Ah, love is in the air... Valentine's Day is here again and the streets are filled with people selling bouquets of roses, boxes of chocolates and teddy bears. Those super cheesy little things that many people hate but that I, personally, love. Until a couple of years ago, to me the date was nothing more than a vile reminder that I was going to be left on the shelf, because I had been single since before I started college. I kept wondering if anyone would ever notice me.
And when you have a disability, finding love can become a huge challenge, because unfortunately prejudice and stereotypes about us still abound in the rest of society. Do you remember the article in which I complained about how it seems that when we become adults we disappear from the radar? Well, that's precisely why. People continue to see us as forever children, as innocent little angels or as asexual beings, which when looking for a partner can be a real pain in the rear. It is assumed that we only get together with each other, while interabled relationships, those in which one member of the couple has a disability and the other does not, generate disbelief and questioning. And don't get me started on the gosh darn devotees, folks who have a sexual fetish for people with disabilities. I came across countless of these specimens on social media.
That all changed in late 2022, when I met my current partner, and the reason I now look forward to February 14th. During the pandemic, I made myself a profile on the Facebook dating app, almost out of sheer boredom. Since I couldn’t go out, I thought maybe I could socialize and make some friends there, hopefully something more. I didn’t put up any photos where my crutches were visible, because I didn’t want my potential partners to dismiss me for that right off the bat before really getting to know me. After a couple of unsuccessful dates, there he was: a handsome, romantic, intelligent, young professional with an almost suspicious enthusiasm to learn more about me. At first I didn’t have much hope, but when I told him about my situation he was extremely understanding and didn’t ask all the questions I thought he would. He later admitted that he had been reading my blog, and that it had helped him learn about my condition and everything it entailed beforehand. Without me anticipating it, my personal venting tool had become the best icebreaker. And so, little by little, a beautiful romance blossomed, which turns two years old... today.
At the beginning of the relationship I was still a little nervous. I told him, half jokingly and half seriously, not to be surprised if someone saw us together and assumed he was my caregiver, to which he replied that a couple takes care of each other, so I was his caregiver too. He also joked that if he were, in fact, my caregiver, he would have to bathe me, dress me, and undress me… and that that didn’t sound bad at all, but in fact the opposite (wink wink). This ended up becoming a running joke between us. Another thing that worried me was that his family wouldn’t take kindly to him being with me, but from day 1 they welcomed me with open arms.
In order to write this article, I also wanted to incorporate my partner's perspective, so I asked him a few questions about his point of view. I asked him what he thought were the most common prejudices people have about interabled relationships. "The idea that the non-disabled partner in the relationship is enslaved to the partner with the disability, and as a 'healthy' person they're just burdening themselves by being with someone who has a health condition, willingly taking on a 'difficult life' from which they could be perfectly exempt", was his response. I personally couldn't agree with him more, because in my experience that is definitely something people say frequently. Even a famous psychologist who has a show on American TV stated a few years ago that out of 100 interabled relationships, all 100 fail because they are based on codependency. He told the partner of a man in a wheelchair that she could be either his caregiver or his lover, but not both. The backlash was obviously brutal, because this "expert" forgot that almost all of us are going to have a disability at some point, even if it's temporary, especially now that we're living longer. It's not for nothing that part of the marriage vows says "in sickness and in health ," because it can happen at any time. If your husband breaks his leg, your pregnant wife is on bed rest, your husband has multiple sclerosis or your wife has Alzheimer's, you're probably the person who's going to have to take care of them. Does that mean you're no longer a couple? Of course not!
Whenever I see an interabled couple on social media, out of several I follow, there are always comments insinuating that the relationship is fake, usually for one of three reasons. The first is that there is probably money involved, and that the non-disabled party is just waiting for the other to die so they can collect the inheritance (apparently we get rich from disability payments, pff). By saying this, what they are implying is that it is impossible for someone to fall in love with a disabled person selflessly, without the ulterior motive of taking advantage of them. The second reason is pity. I still remember that when I was 11, a boy I liked at summer camp said that he liked me too. I was so happy, but a few days later, when I found him throwing a friend's things into the pool and told him not to do that,said in front of his friends that he had actually lied and only told me that he liked me because he felt sorry for me. Not only was it humiliating, but even as an adult I was still convinced that no one would love me unless out of pity, as if we weren't worthy of being loved and desired and our partner was doing us a favor by being with us "in spite of it". From that point of view, f anything the favor is mutual, because both parties accept each other with strenghts and flaws, and that counts for all relationships. Neither is he a hero for being with me nor am I a burden for him. And the third reason that cannot be missed is that they couldn't possibly be together if they can't have sex... excuse me? Have you ever gone into a disabled person's bedroom? While it's true that some conditions can affect your sex life, not all of them do and not always in the same way. Also, sexuality involves much more than just genitals. In fact, we know that we have sensitive areas all over the body precisely because of studies done on patients who had no function from the waist down and still managed to achieve pleasure through other means. Intimacy is something that goes far beyond the body.
Despite all of those things, and the thousands of insecurities I had at first, there is not a single day that I regret giving love another chance. My partner is both what I had always wanted and what I didn't know I needed. Over time, we have built a healthy, beautiful and respectful relationship, in which other people's opinions are the least of our concerns. We have not yet had to deal with any discriminatory situations together, but if we were to, we already know how to deal with them. If someone insists that we are nurse and patient, we make out with enough overacting to get them to leave us alone (or spend the night in jail for public indecency). It has been difficult at times, but tonight I am shouting from the rooftops that, after thinking hope was lost, I am happy, taken and madly in love.
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